Tessa, 12 Days Old

  This is a particularly meaningful photograph for me and coincides with a particularly meaningful birth month for my 1^st grandchild; in a few days, Tessa becomes a teenager !!  As most adults progress through life we can look back to important events and dates, a wedding day, the birth of our own children, and other important milestones in life. February 8, 2008, is such a day for my family, what transpired in the weeks and months following that day caught me off-guard.  I would soon learn beyond my own immediate family, baseball, and photography yet another unfettered passion was ignited in the form of Grandchildren.  Congratulations Tessa Victoria Porch, my wife’s given name is Victoria, it’s humbling that each of my 5 grandchildren’s middle name is in remembrance of family members who came before them !!

   My wife and I were empty nesters before turning 50 years old; all three of our children graduated college and were starting their own successful careers. While I was still balancing a passion for coaching high school and summer league baseball, photography would soon force me to make a choice, and by 2005 I was devoting more time to photography than even a day job that paid the bills. A thumbnail of my day job seems appropriate to fully understand the impact of 2/08/08 and beyond.

   I made my living as the only painter for a large, fast-paced (read, stressful !) production-oriented auto body shop, there was no one else that had my skill-set in any shop I worked. Essentially my entire working life I was paid by the job and by the amount of work I produced and not by an hourly wage or salary.  So, I rarely took time off and worked longer than normal hours and I became very efficient at managing my time, every step I took was for a reason.  I once told an owner, I’m in business for myself, you, provide a roof over my head and a consistent workflow each day.  The same was true in my leisure time at home; there were always priorities I set to occupy my time, family, baseball and photography were the only real passions I’ve ever had.  No downtime during any day, it simply is the manner in which I’m wired.  That type of “in-the-moment-focus” doesn’t really lend to seeing what lies far ahead in life.  My close friends who traveled with me on photo expeditions out West would gently kid me that there was no free time when on an expedition with me.  There was a plan for every part of every day, as I would constantly tell baseball players, “failing to plan, is planning to fail”.  So, I had no basis to think time management would change after the birth of a grandchild.  Even on the day of Tessa’s birth, I only took part of the morning off from work to hangout during the birth.  Funny, clearly, my short-term memory is not what it once was, however, as I began writing this Blog I recalled the time of birth as Friday @ 8:06 am on February 8, 2008. I had no occasion to recall the day or time until this Blog, I reached out to my daughter to see if my recall was close, indeed it was the exact day and time !!

   My good friends Glenn and Marie Curtis operated a large portrait studio in Durham, CT, not far from my daughter’s home.  Marie offered their studio any Tuesday or Wednesday night after work to make the image I had rattling around in my head for several months.  As fortune would have it, good or bad is unknowable, there was a significant winter storm that took place on Tuesday into Wednesday immediately following Tessa’s birth. I shifted the photo session to the following Tuesday evening, 12 days after her birth.  Whether the added week had anything to do with Tessa being more alert is simply another side-bar to an unlikely success story. 

   In keeping with a close friend’s observation, a baseball aficionado himself, Tim always kids me, “Steve, you’re always trying to hit a 5-run home run”, I really can’t argue with his assessment. In hindsight, the choice of camera and lens would significantly reduce the likelihood to carry off my preconceived image.  It’s interesting to note for those reading this who understand 35mm references, but not larger camera formats that require a much larger and longer lens.  A 450mm lens, about a normal focal length on the 7×17 perspective, has the identical depth of field as if it were used on a 35mm camera, one can imagine the depth of field @ f 16 is paper thin !!  I brought no other film camera backup; thankfully Marie picked up her digital camera and used her own creativity to ensure some part of the shoot was successfully captured. Marie made a host of small vignettes and color images that night, several are shared in this story. 

   A case could be made given the one-time opportunity for a near birth photo, choosing the camera I did was irresponsible, as I would come to realize the likelyihood of a successful large film photograph had a ridiculously low percentage of success. Looking through the color photos that Marie made the night of the studio shoot with a hand held camera, I would not change one thing about the large film B&W image I came away with. 

  I kept fussing with Tessa’s hands and feet so they were less noticeable and she would appear more comfortable. Tessa’s dad is a lofty 6’4” tall; my idea was to always have this tiny precious infant cradled in his massive hands with no reference to his arms or background. The easy part was the black background; simply position the strobes so no light falls on a dark background.  Dad’s arms were draped in black velvet material, that type of material in the photo illustration world simply soaks up light and posed no reflective issues.   However, the challenges I didn’t prepare for were significant.  # 1, filling the majority of the 17” wide film would require a nearly life-size image of the baby. Creating a life-size photo of any object or person requires twice the focal length of the lens being used.  #2, a 450mm lens would require 900mm of bellows on a camera that had only 600mm of bellows.  Essentially, I had brought the wrong lens, yet still continued on with the shoot.  #3, when you extend the lens beyond its normal focal length of 450mm to focus on a close subject, the light hitting the film falls off by the inverse square law, or a factor of four rather than two.  So, even with 4000 watt-seconds of strobe power, my exposure was @ f 16 approximately 3 feet from the baby, at that magnification, the depth of focus leaves zero-margin of error.  #4, the lens had a max aperture of f12.5 and an extra 6” of bellows draw and only a small incandescent modeling light on the strobe, it was impossible to focus the lens on Tessa.  #5, we had to shine a bright flashlight on the baby’s’ face to get some critical degree of sharp focus on Tessa’s eyes.  #6, the entire shoot was at the mercy of pure luck, particularly with my suspect choice of camera and lens.  As strong as my son-in-law is, holding an 8 lb. baby out away from his body perfectly still for minutes at a time grew near impossible. The potential of a naked infant either, sleeping, crying, screaming, or having an involuntary bodily action was in the hands of another power !!  Finally, the ill-advised choice of lens yielded one positive, the actual image on the film is less than 8″ across, which allows me to enlarge and come away with a perfectly focused 24″ wide photograph that hangs in my home to this day !

   Once the lighting and calculations were in place and camera focused I quickly shot off 2 sheets of film for development tests with little concern whether Tessa’s eyes were open.  That left two sheets for some magical stroke of good fortune for Tessa to open both eyes. Refocusing the camera in preparation for the next shot was taking a toll on my son-in-law Alex, his arms were beginning to quiver, further complicating the sharp focus of these last two sheets of film.  Tessa opened one eye and I grabbed the shot with the 3^rd sheet of film on the chance it was the best I ever got.  While I never got the impression, I’ve often wondered if my daughter, a brand new mother by less than two weeks was growing tired of her precious firstborn being used as a prop for what must have seemed at some point a pointless exercise in futility.

   See the color photo of how uncomfortable Tessa looks in her Dad’s hands and all the other hurdles to overcome.  When I factor all the photographic technical challenges that I had some control over and combine them with hurdles I had no control over, particularly simply having Tessa’s eyes in critical focus, I’m left with no explanation other than divine intervention for the 4^th and final sheet of the film as seen in this month’s image.  My wife, my daughter, and Marie each doing their best to encourage Tessa to open her eyes. Miraculously she opened both eyes and her mouth offering an inquisitive expression of wonderment, I tripped the shutter and strobes for that one remaining sheet of film !  Not easily seen on a computer screen is the critical focus on Tessa’s eyes is spot on, leaving my son-in-law’s hands just slightly out of focus which further accentuates the central theme of the photograph, my 1st grandchild and that precious knew life that came into our family. Most serious photographers when asked, what is your greatest photograph will say, “I haven’t made it yet”.  There is no doubt this photograph on multiple levels will always be my greatest photograph, more to the point, accomplishment in life !! When I weigh photography against playing a part in bringing another generation into the world, photography doesn’t even move the needle !! 

  What would follow in the days and weeks ahead I was not prepared for. With my daughter and her family only 20 minutes away they would come by the house often, didn’t matter what I was in the middle of, a grandchild had stopped for a visit.  When my two sons began their families, living in border states to CT, when they were coming home, I’d never schedule a darkroom day or any other activity that couldn’t be stopped when the grandchildren showed up.  I had to stop and think about what had changed, a trend would soon emerge, grandchildren were in the house !  Over the last 13 years, my wife and I have seen countless youth basketball, soccer, softball, baseball, karate, dance recitals, rock climbing, and tennis practices. Staying connected to our grandchildren and those relationships is not within my power to describe in the written word.  

   When that connection comes back in your direction, it’s an emotion I’d never experienced.  Tessa seen in the picture below is promoted from 5th to 6th grade. Each member of the class is instructed to present a Lei and Flower to those who inspire them the most in their young lives. I ask my daughter, “did she choose you, or Alex” ?? “I don’t know” was her answer.  No words to describe the surprise and emotion of Tessa’s choice !!  At the end of the story are a few photos of Tessa as she has progressed through her young life.  Tessa has already placed 1st in a state-wide scholastic competition as seen in the ballon photo below.  Congratulations Tessa on what is certain to be many milestones following your teenage years !!

   When I reflect back on the unlikely success of this photograph, coupled with the fact I have 5 grandchildren, in the truest sense of the baseball metaphor, I have indeed hit a 5-run Home Run.

Stay Well, better days for 2021 !!